Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
