My balls are so social today.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
