Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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