I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
