and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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