Someone shit on the floor
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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