Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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