If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
