I think im going to throw up on grandma
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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