Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
