so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
