The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
