I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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