Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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