Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
