I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
