If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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