And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
