I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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