I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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