party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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