U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
