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life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
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