DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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