you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
