so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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