bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
