When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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