so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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