i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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