You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
