My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Enjoy the penises
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
