my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
