I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
