I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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