i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
