i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize