I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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