She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I need to calm my uterus...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
