Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You are the jesus of drinking
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
