Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
