I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
