i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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