I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
