while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
