Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
