Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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