He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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