Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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