So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
