i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize