I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
