I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
