My first STD was from a foam party
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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