sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
