I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is the high leading the old right now
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
