then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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