My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
