Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
why is half of my head shaved?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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