I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
