Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I touched a dick in church today
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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