just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
